Day 3

I didn’t do so well yesterday. CC man and I messaged pretty much all day and evening. It made me feel shit. And no doubt made him feel shit.

I signed up to a couple of online dating apps. And he was on two of the three I joined. Said he had signed up that day also. Do I believe him? Maybe. I told him beforehand I was doing it because I didn’t want him to bump into my profile without warning and so he replied “sure, me too”. And then there we both were online.

I fell asleep feeling crap. I really wish it had been different between us. He’s incapable of a close relationship, I know that, and I don’t want him, but I do miss him.

I feel sad and a bit cheated that he wasn’t what I wanted him to be (ie my perfect man).

The problem I have is, I have a definite type when it comes to men. I like them very tall, big build, dark hair, hair on chest. It’s something I can’t change.

This might sound narrow minded or stupid, but I honestly cannot get as sexually attracted to someone outside these parameters. I suspect it’s probably a deep-seated daddy issues thing that means I need big men, but I’ve always been that way.

And CC man is huge. He’s bigger than Andre the Giant. He wears size 14 shoes and I have never seen hands as big as his on any other person (if you are wondering about penis he was probably just over average, he worried about it, and that’s something that I don’t have requirements for anyway).

When he put his arms around me I felt so safe. I’m very petite and small boned so we were complete physical opposites and maybe it’s a bit of a kink for me, but I loved it in bed. Sometimes I’d watch him in the bedroom mirror, this huge giant of a man, his hands massive against my body and it is just bliss. I find it so incredibly sexy.

So online dating is kinda weird for me cause the first thing I check is how tall they are and of course NO ONE is as big as CC man.

And that just makes me doubt my decision and wonder if we could somehow make it work if I could be 100% happy all the time and never, ever stress him out. Which of course is ridiculous.

Today I am not contacting him. And day 3 no drinking, so that’s good.

Day 2

It’s 8am. A cold autumn morning. The end of another summer, the tendrils of winter seeping into the days. A fitting time for a new start.

I went to bed early last night. CC man sent a couple of brief, drunk messages, then disappeared. He asked if there was someone else. There isn’t (Andre the Giant is long gone now, and I was relieved to put a stop to that too).

How do I feel?

I am still okay. I’m still waiting for the heartbreak, the loneliness, the misery…

But maybe it’s not coming. Maybe I did all that already.

I miss him. Fantasize that we might become proper friends. I feel like I want to contact him, to see if he is okay. But it’s a background noise, not an overiding compulsion like it has been in the past.

I am nervous of nights alone. Afraid of my loneliness. But I don’t think I want any relief from him. I finally learned that he was only hurting me.

I feel good about myself. Tearfully good. It’s self-respect. And it’s so good to have found it. The way he behaved was cruel – not intentionally – but so cruel nonetheless. He cannot deal with any form of close connection, he is devoured by his own guilt and failures and he punishes everyone around him when he hurts.

I feel sad for him. I think in the cold morning light I can say honestly that I love him, but I cannot be with him.

Definitely not drinking today and suddenly not drinking seems easy again. Because I’m not trying to hide from my own conscience.

I feel fragile, wobbly, but like I’m exactly where I should be for the first time in so, so long ❤️

I Ended It!

I fucking did it.

I tried to call him at 4:15pm to see if we could agree to end it (that was my ridiculous plan).

He was at the shops and said he’d call me back.

An hour later he sent a msg saying I’m having a beer chat ltr or tomorrow.

And that was it. That was the moment.

I called him immediately, in the pub, and said I think we need to agree this is done. He agreed. We chatted a bit, it was quite tense. And then we said goodbye. Nicely.

It’s fucking done.

And then I waited for the crying and the misery to start… but so far it hasn’t.

I’ve deleted his number from my phone. I don’t think I will ever need it again.

I’m sure the misery is coming, but fuck me I just got my fucking self-respect back. It might be the most grown-up thing I have ever done in my life.

Day Fucking 1

I am not drinking today. So there’s that, at least.

I wished CC man good luck with his exam and he let me know he’d passed and sent the “chat ltr” comment that he knows I hate and that he used a lot the first time he dumped me.

My heart hurts today for the complete lack of boundaries I have.

With everyone, actually. Not just him. I am better at pushing back with work and friendships, but never before they overstep the mark.

I am a people-pleaser.

I’ve eaten such crap today. Helped a friend move. Gave her my sofa that I wanted to sell.

And felt pain all day over being told “let’s cool things down” yesterday, by CC man. They were pretty cold for me to be honest, but this is what he always does.

So I sit here, feeling sorry for myself, heart in tatters, and I wonder…

What emotional hell is coming? Will he end it? Radio silence for many days? Pretend nothing ever happened?

And how do I deal with this?

Just take the opportunity to start moving on? (Like that’s going to happen) Tell him he can have his space, we are done? (Probably what I should do, but I know how utterly shit that will make me feel… so I don’t).

Or will it? What if I ended it?

We aren’t coming back from this (until he charms his way back into my life, trampling over all my boundaries and destroying my self-esteem even further).

What if I just called it off?

I would cry and cry and cry. But maybe that would be the start of healing.

I feel too broken and too sad to do anything except sit and wallow.

But I’m not going to fucking drink.

Day 51: I Drank

I had two glasses of wine yesterday. I went out with some friends for dinner and I offered to drive but someone else insisted on driving because they were working the next day.

Once I got to the restaurant I just had wine with everyone else.

I only just got back on the straight and narrow yesterday after eating gluten on day 48, and sugar on days 48 and 49.

I woke up this morning and if anything the only thing it has done is strengthen my resolve that drinking is not what I want to be doing. I didn’t go crazy last night (I would have drunk more but table service was nonexistent so I got lucky there).

My self-esteem suffers when I choose things that are not in line with my beliefs about what is good and worthwhile.

I had another conundrum yesterday. My friend asked me to go out with her and some others on Saturday night. But I had assumed I was spending the whole weekend with CC man.

In the end I chose my friend. I want to spend Saturday night with CC man, but spending every child free evening with him is asking for trouble when he turns around and decides he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.

He was a little bit surprised when I mentioned I was out Saturday, but he is already coming over Friday night. I felt good about this decision. I want to emotionally separate from him, and that means among other things I need to accept other social invites and not spend all my free time with him (which is what I did this year until we broke up).

The other thing I have been thinking about a lot is sex and my need for it (after sending a photo of my boobs to CC man at 11pm last night).

For the first time this morning I woke up and felt that I might be in a place to move on from this craziness that has preoccupied my thoughts for so long. CC man has sent me loads of sexual stuff this week, which I used to love.

But now I’m starting to feel that I want a real, genuine connection. I am not a lithe 24 year old and as much as I have a good figure and look young for my age I think I am done with sending selfies and suggestive photos. at some point in the next few years I am just going to be too old for it. And when that happens I don’t want to be with a man that is constantly asking for pics of my panties.

Yes I can get dressed up, look nice, even wear nice underwear… but photos and constant sexting and sex on the table/sofa/floor… that should not be a daily thing (which it is in this thing I have with CC man).

It’s objectifying me, which for some reason I massively got off on. But now… 19 months of dating and chatting with men later… I’ve had enough.

I want a better career, health and fitness, a happy, organised home for my kids, and a real connection with a man that respects me enough to not hurt me when he is hurting.

I guess I had to try out all the things I didn’t want before I realised that what I do want is normality after all.

Day 49: Is It Me, Or Him?

I was half-awake with anxiety last night. But I was so tired from the day that it was in a semi-conscious state. I wanted to wake up and journal my thoughts, but I just lay there fretting and eventually fell back to sleep.

I was laying bed thinking: this man is going to be the death of me if I stay with him.

But not so much because of just him, but because of me as well. I was fretting last night that I have been as much of a problem in this relationship as he has.

I couldn’t get it out of my head this morning. My obsessing, my demanding, the emotional games I play, the manipulative texts I send. I am not a healthy person in relationships. I demand absolute commitment and will act in any way that I think will get that.

So, I’ve dropped the kids to school and I’ve read over my whole journal. A whole year since CC man came into my life. To try and work out what the fuck is wrong between us that we are literally on/off again and our emotions run so high and the feelings are always so fucking uncontrollable.

So here’s a summary. Phase 1 of our relationship was when we first started dating. What I didn’t know what that CC man was drinking almost every day. He was missing work, cancelling on his daughters and on me. He was barely holding it together. But – we had just met and he put on his best game face to me. Because obviously he didn’t want me to run a mile from a crazy alcoholic.

So the first part of the relationship he just freaked me out with his inconsistencies in messaging. He was all over me every day, and then nowhere to be seen for 24 hours. After about 6 weeks of that, I ended it by text and blocked him. The next day I massively regretted it (he’d asked me to be his girlfriend, I’d said yes, then he’d gone silent for 24 hours again and I’d just had enough). I went over and we made up, I apologised loads. But he changed after that. He was distant, less affectionate on text. Four weeks later he said he wanted to go in a different direction with his life and he ended it.

So… that was his alcoholism driving my insecurity. I ended it and hurt him and he then had second thoughts and decided I wasn’t right for him. Who’s at fault there? Probably no-one. That was a product of his circumstances and my insecurities.

Phase 2 was in the new year. We got back together – he came back to me and said he’d made a huge mistake, his drinking was under control and he wanted a future with me. Now, to be fair, aside from a few evenings where he went on a huge binge, he was a different man. He stopped drinking in the week, he was affectionate, told me he loved me, was consistent in calling, didn’t disappear on me, and put in a lot of effort. I, on the other hand, was terrified of being dumped again, jealous, insecure and afraid that he was going to change his mind at the drop of a hat. Because he had been inconsistent when we first started dating, and he had ended it, I needed endless reassurance.

I pressured him more and more for commitment and eventually we had a big row and he said he was sorry, but he couldn’t see past today. I ended it.

Phase 3 was a month later. We talked, we’d both missed each other loads, and he told me he loved me forever. We got back together. But I was worse than before. I started picking him up on every occasion he didn’t call when he said he would, and I started to feel jealous of his ex-wife. In the end we had a row about the fact that he wouldn’t sit down and talk to me about us maybe moving in together at some point in the future (I didn’t want a date, I wanted a conversation about it).

That was the beginning of the end. He told me he needed space. He ended it after two weeks of thinking about it, got straight back online, met up with someone else a couple of times. Blocked me. Wanted me totally out of his life.

I mean. When I look at it objectively, I can see how crazy I’ve been. How demanding I am of his attention.

He is not innocent. His alcoholism in the beginning meant that we started off on really bad ground. My belief in him was destroyed before it even got started. After that, I could never really relax, even though he was so much more committed and was drinking far less. It was like every day I wanted to find the evidence that he was that arsehole I thought he was. And he is a master at emotional manipulation – as soon as he detects anything other than happiness, he’s trying to manipulate me.

So here we are. Phase 4. He wanted me back. I wanted him back. What does that mean for us? He seems sure. He’s told his landlady we’re giving it another go. He’s told his mum we’re giving it another go. I haven’t told anyone.

And I am already sitting here trying to control jealous thoughts of what he is going to be doing on the weekends that I have the children.

My past relationships have tended to be stable because I have tended to date very quiet, stable men. They have deferred to my need for control and reassurance. The only time that didn’t happen it was a disaster. A terrible relationship that ended with him beating me. Getting out of that was so hard and left me scarred for a long time.

Shit. I don’t know what to think.

There are clearly things that I need to fix. But there are things he needs to fix too.

I have ended it because he wouldn’t commit, whereas he has ended it because he didn’t want to be with me any more.

We are both similar in that we don’t have close friends, we are emotionally needy, we are driven by sex, and we both want to change things about ourselves (self-improvement is a common theme in our day-to-day talks). That’s what draws us together.

The question is, do we actually have a future, or not?

Neither of us are really any good at being supportive. Neither of us can understand someone else’s pain, we both feel our own pain as bigger and more important. Neither of us can take criticism. We both struggle with feelings of not being good enough.

When we first met, I said to my friend that we would either be really good for each other, or really bad.

And I think that is still the case. There is something there. Something powerful and raw and even special. We connect in a way I don’t connect with others. I haven’t connected with a man in the same way, probably since my first proper boyfriend, who was also just like me.

But… can two broken people really make a relationship work? I think perhaps it tends to work better when one of you is less broken than the other.

My main concern is his tendency to turn-on-a-die change in what he wants. He can wake up one morning and just decide that he no longer wants me at all. That is frightening. And leaves me in a position where I am always looking for signs that it’s about to happen.

We’ve got ourselves back into this stupid relationship again, just as I was really reaching the point where I knew it was definitely over. And a part of me still feels like this is basically stalling for time.

Conclusion

Not being with him was fucking awful. But being with him is basically me waiting for him to decide it’s over again.

I don’t feel the same as I did. I do still love him, but I don’t like him. He’s not a nice, caring person. I get nervous when he’s texting me because his texts have been so awful for the last two months.

I can’t deal with anymore pain. At all. So for now I am just going to go with it. And work on growing this seedling of not really caring what he does as long as he isn’t being horrible to me.

We are both waiting for the next hurdle. The next time I have some insecure freak-out, or the next time he cancels on me because he’s hungover or wants a drink. And I am planning on just walking alongside it. No confrontation. No explanation. No questions (from me).

I have no faith in him as a person any more, and I no longer really care if he genuinely wants to be with me or not. but my terrible loneliness means I am happy that he’s in my life.

Maybe he feels the same.

Day 48: Sugar And Gluten Fail

I messed up today. I tried to fit too much into the day and ended up eating out at lunch unprepared. I had a toasted sandwich and a hot chocolate.

Then, later in the afternoon because I’d been running so many errands, and I’d done a run in the morning, my energy tanked, I was over-hungry and I ate a whole pack of jelly snakes on the go.

I felt sick afterwards and I’m disappointed in a major fail. The lesson from this is that I really have to know what I’m doing for meals each day. Planning, as always, is key.

Back on the wagon tomorrow.

Today’s run has taken it out of me. I am so tired now (bedtime). Wanted to sleep so much in the day today, but no time to do so.

Hopefully I will sleep tonight. Still restless. Still drinking tonic water every evening though. Will stop that when I finish what’s left in the house.

My food and general diet really is key to my energy and wellbeing, so I have to prioritise that part of my life. More than I ever have. It will be good for my children too.

I am a little bit afraid that this slip is going to mean the slow unraveling of all the good I’ve done. I don’t ever want to go backwards, ever. Cannot go back there.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will get up and do the best I can.

Day 47: I Am A Bigger Mess Than I Let On

So much can happen in a day.

Where to start. Coffee with CC man was good for both of us. We talked until the coffee shop closed and then we sat in his car and talked a bit more until we both had to go.

He was genuinely distressed about everything that has happened. I have never really seen him look so guilt-stricken and apologetic. He said he has a history of sabotaging relationships and his decision-making was just shocking and that he semi-seriously thinks he might be bipolar (I don’t think he is, but then I am not a doctor).

I did grill him over this woman he saw. And I said that he couldn’t deny he wouldn’t be talking to me if she had wanted to see him again. It was just two meetups, he said again, and nothing ever happened before she texted him and said their circumstances were not well-matched.

He said maybe we wouldn’t be sat here today but how long would it have lasted with her anyway, he doesn’t think it would have been long.

Maybe, maybe not.

So, we said goodbye, agreeing to meet up as friends going forward. See where that took us. He held my hand briefly in the coffee shop. He said a couple of times that I looked really well. He was as hot as ever – I find him SO attractive.

Anyway, I had to go because I was seeing Andre The Giant. I wanted to end this weird meet for sex thing we have going on last time I saw him, but didn’t. I wanted to this time but didn’t. I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting his feelings 😕 (why I think he even has any I don’t know). We spent the evening together. It was okay. I spent the whole time thinking about the meetup I’d had with CC man.

Andre is a long drive away and CC man was messaging me all the way home, saying could I collect him from the pub. Could he see me tonight. He still loved me. He wanted me so much today when he saw me.

I said I could collect him, but no sex and he had to go before my kids were back the next day. He said ok. So at 11pm I ended up driving onto the pub he was at.

I drove us back to mine and he was full of drunken words. He’ll never let me go again. He loves me. He’s sorry.

We got to the house and once the door was closed he kissed me. Proper romantic kissing. Then he picked me up like we were just married and carried me over to the dining table.

Well, I tried to resist him. 😕

For some reason the sex between us has been consistently incredible for the entire year we’ve known each other. What is it about him? After all, sex is really just friction, right?

Or maybe there are chemicals involved that vary between partners. He touches me and I just melt. The way he looks at me, the way his body feels, the way his hands feel, and especially the way he talks through the whole thing. He’ll be looking into my eyes talking to me while we’re having sex, whispering filthy stuff. It’s hands down the best sex I have ever had with anyone in my whole life.

We started downstairs and continued upstairs, he was like an animal all over me – I think he would actually have eaten me completely if he could have. He buried his head in every part of my body, touched me everywhere, fucked me for about an hour in various ways.

He held me all night, I slept in his arms. His hands roaming over me, him making little moans of pleasure over me just being there next to him. And we woke this morning and it started all over again.

And then we talked again. And he said how happy he is when he’s with me and that our respective divorces have been hard to deal with, that my tendency to over-analyse just did his head in by the end.

And this is where I do have to take some responsibility. I grilled him a lot in the weeks before we broke up. I wanted answers on why he hadn’t called me on certain occasions, we had a stupid row about the wedding song from his marriage (of all things), I was pressuring him to talk about our future – ie whether we might live together.

I was being a bit much to be honest. The thing is, when I fall in love I tend to fall very, very hard.

Anyway, the upshot of it all was I dropped him home this morning before I collected the kids and we have agreed to take it one day at a time. No pressure, no overthinking, no arguing about stupid stuff.

After I dropped him off he sent me a message saying he had missed our connection and conversations sooo much, and that he loved me.

What can I make of all this?

1. I can’t deny there is something very strong between us. He has said the same to me several times over the last couple of days.

2. For my personal wellbeing I need to learn to relax in a relationship and not obsess over the person I am with and where they are and what they are doing.

3. There is zero to be gained from trying to work out what he thinks and feels (which I obsess over). I am not going to speculate or ruminate or overthink over everything he does or says anymore. Practice makes perfect.

4. Taking it a day at a time is actually good for me. Stop obsessing about him, focus on my own life, and we are conceptually together so I can stop walking around with a miserable broken heart.

We’ve both been batshit crazy during this breakup. He knows I was spending time with another man and I have said I won’t be seeing that man any more. I have yet to deal with Andre The Giant. I’ll do that when he next gets in touch.

I’m absolutely exhausted today and feel almost hungover from lack of sleep. I have eaten crap all day but stayed off the sugar and alcohol.

So, I don’t know what the future holds, but at least you won’t have to listen to me moaning about my broken heart any more (at least for a while). Do I think this is a good idea? I think if I can’t get my shit together I will get hurt. And I think that his heavy drinking may mean I get hurt anyway. It’s probably not a sensible life decision, but for today it has made both of us feel a lot better than we have for a long time.

Day 46: Why Can’t I Sleep?

My sleep is still so restless and broken. It’s an actual physical restlessness. I can’t get comfortable, I have to keep moving.

I am wondering if there is something in tonic water that affects sleep because I drink two glasses of it every night (it has totally replaced my wine habit).

My mental restlessness doesn’t help. CC man is pushing hard for us to get back together. I find this simply astonishing given everything that has happened. It’s like he has lost his fucking mind and forgotten how much of a cunt he has actually been to me.

He pulled out the big guns yesterday and told me he still loved me. Then he said he had taken down his dating profile (there is so much wrong with this it beggars belief – how can he not see how much of a cunt he is?)

He called again yesterday afternoon and we talked another long while. The “lady” he was seeing (his word at the time, she has since been demoted to “woman“ – I notice these things), was apparently a drink one evening and a dinner the following weekend. They both drove there and themselves home. He says there was no physical interaction (I sense he is lying about this, but I’m actually grateful to be spared the details). After that she said she didn’t want to see him again.

He says he was confused. That he didn’t know what he wanted. And that because he was at the last stage of coming off antidepressants – something I helped him do and supported him through – his head was fucked.

The thing is, the more he tries to explain, the more hatred I feel. I am walking around as a big fireball of hate right now. I want to let fucking loose and scream at him for how much he hurt me, to cry and shout and tell him he did the most horrendous damage, that he went from everything-is-awesome to dumping me, blocking me, deleting me from his life and finding another “lady” over nothing.

It’s not even 7am and I’m awake full of boiling rage. I’ve had to stop myself texting him this morning and telling him what a cunt he is. Meditation has never had so much commitment from me because it is the only way I can calm my anger and tears.

We have arranged to meet for a coffee today at 3:30pm.

Why? I don’t know. His motive is clear. He wants us to get back together. My motive… I think I need to see him, look him in the eye and know in myself that my feelings for him are dying in the most agonisingly cruel, slithering way. And part of me wants to see him fucking beg. I know that’s not healthy.

Sigh. So here I am, Saturday morning. Trying to calm myself down enough to focus on my own life. I’m going over to see Andre The Giant tonight. He asked to see me last weekend and I said no (it was too short notice, I might be a booty call but have some respect for my schedule).

I think I am going to tentatively say we might need to stop seeing each other. The sex is empty. I enjoy it during, but I don’t anticipate it in the way I do when I love someone. It’s not really adding anything to my life to be honest. It’s a distraction that I don’t need quite as much these days. My head is in a better place.

I am, actually, a different person to the one I was 46 days ago. Dealing with my worst and most destructive habits has not only made me feel physically and mentally better, but it has also raised my self-esteem off the floor. I might not be standing tall yet, but I am no longer lying where everyone else can walk all over me.

Day 44: A Month Of No Shouting

I haven’t raised my voice at the kids for 30 days. I have been close. And there have been a couple of occasions when I have hissed at my eldest for misbehaving. But I have not yelled. Or screamed.

Today is also 2 weeks of no sugar and gluten (as well as over 6 weeks alcohol free). I feel like I have made it past the hardest part of this whole journey. All the really big things that were bringing me down, making me feel bad about myself, and reducing my already low self-esteem, have been sorted.

I just didn’t think I could do this. I still can’t quite believe where I am. I have moments now of pure joy. Usually when I’m listening to music. I just feel so good. I have felt so bad for so long that it’s a wonderful thing to experience.

I had some great financial news today (got a big refund I’d been arguing for – not the flight money that I advanced to CC man to get him out of my life, still waiting on that).

I saw some friends for a cup of tea and had an eye test (no change to my tiny prescription for reading glasses from two years ago, so I’m pleased about that too).

I’ve also noticed that my arthritis has noticeably improved. The pain in my right foot/big toe was the worst and that has subsided significantly over the last week.

Dinner is done. I’ve ironed (!) and laid out all the uniform for tomorrow. School bags are ready. Dishwasher on.

Days like today are good. I’m still tired a lot of the time – my sleep is still broken and restless, just less severe than it was when I was drinking. I get mentally and physically worn out, and I do notice when I’m reaching my limit. I have good energy but it depletes fast. And then I know I need to retreat and rest. Not drink or eat away the tiredness. I used to be permanently exhausted, so this is an improvement too.

I’ve heard nothing from CC man today. I am discovering pockets of the day where I do not think about him. I did some meditation last night and this morning to calm my thoughts during the times he used to regularly call/text.

In fact, I turned my phone off during his evening commute because he used to call me from the car every day and I do not want to go back to that. He will disappear the minute he starts chatting to yet another woman on the dating site he is on, so the last thing I want is regular contact which he can then break off.

Thing is, I can’t tell him not to call me because he’ll take offence and then he will retaliate with some form of emotional manipulation or torture. Basically I’m in a position now where I’m aiming to keep him on an even keel and not anger him, stress him out or reject him. Any of those will result in aggression, drunken calls and stress for me.

Over time our contact should fade out (or he’ll meet someone and fuck off again). That’s the plan, at least.

And today, for the first time, I know that my love (obsession?) for him is truly coming to an end. I feel relief and peace. Because when the caring stops (and that process has started), then nothing he does will ever matter again.

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