Day 51: I Drank

I had two glasses of wine yesterday. I went out with some friends for dinner and I offered to drive but someone else insisted on driving because they were working the next day.

Once I got to the restaurant I just had wine with everyone else.

I only just got back on the straight and narrow yesterday after eating gluten on day 48, and sugar on days 48 and 49.

I woke up this morning and if anything the only thing it has done is strengthen my resolve that drinking is not what I want to be doing. I didn’t go crazy last night (I would have drunk more but table service was nonexistent so I got lucky there).

My self-esteem suffers when I choose things that are not in line with my beliefs about what is good and worthwhile.

I had another conundrum yesterday. My friend asked me to go out with her and some others on Saturday night. But I had assumed I was spending the whole weekend with CC man.

In the end I chose my friend. I want to spend Saturday night with CC man, but spending every child free evening with him is asking for trouble when he turns around and decides he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.

He was a little bit surprised when I mentioned I was out Saturday, but he is already coming over Friday night. I felt good about this decision. I want to emotionally separate from him, and that means among other things I need to accept other social invites and not spend all my free time with him (which is what I did this year until we broke up).

The other thing I have been thinking about a lot is sex and my need for it (after sending a photo of my boobs to CC man at 11pm last night).

For the first time this morning I woke up and felt that I might be in a place to move on from this craziness that has preoccupied my thoughts for so long. CC man has sent me loads of sexual stuff this week, which I used to love.

But now I’m starting to feel that I want a real, genuine connection. I am not a lithe 24 year old and as much as I have a good figure and look young for my age I think I am done with sending selfies and suggestive photos. at some point in the next few years I am just going to be too old for it. And when that happens I don’t want to be with a man that is constantly asking for pics of my panties.

Yes I can get dressed up, look nice, even wear nice underwear… but photos and constant sexting and sex on the table/sofa/floor… that should not be a daily thing (which it is in this thing I have with CC man).

It’s objectifying me, which for some reason I massively got off on. But now… 19 months of dating and chatting with men later… I’ve had enough.

I want a better career, health and fitness, a happy, organised home for my kids, and a real connection with a man that respects me enough to not hurt me when he is hurting.

I guess I had to try out all the things I didn’t want before I realised that what I do want is normality after all.

Day 49: Is It Me, Or Him?

I was half-awake with anxiety last night. But I was so tired from the day that it was in a semi-conscious state. I wanted to wake up and journal my thoughts, but I just lay there fretting and eventually fell back to sleep.

I was laying bed thinking: this man is going to be the death of me if I stay with him.

But not so much because of just him, but because of me as well. I was fretting last night that I have been as much of a problem in this relationship as he has.

I couldn’t get it out of my head this morning. My obsessing, my demanding, the emotional games I play, the manipulative texts I send. I am not a healthy person in relationships. I demand absolute commitment and will act in any way that I think will get that.

So, I’ve dropped the kids to school and I’ve read over my whole journal. A whole year since CC man came into my life. To try and work out what the fuck is wrong between us that we are literally on/off again and our emotions run so high and the feelings are always so fucking uncontrollable.

So here’s a summary. Phase 1 of our relationship was when we first started dating. What I didn’t know what that CC man was drinking almost every day. He was missing work, cancelling on his daughters and on me. He was barely holding it together. But – we had just met and he put on his best game face to me. Because obviously he didn’t want me to run a mile from a crazy alcoholic.

So the first part of the relationship he just freaked me out with his inconsistencies in messaging. He was all over me every day, and then nowhere to be seen for 24 hours. After about 6 weeks of that, I ended it by text and blocked him. The next day I massively regretted it (he’d asked me to be his girlfriend, I’d said yes, then he’d gone silent for 24 hours again and I’d just had enough). I went over and we made up, I apologised loads. But he changed after that. He was distant, less affectionate on text. Four weeks later he said he wanted to go in a different direction with his life and he ended it.

So… that was his alcoholism driving my insecurity. I ended it and hurt him and he then had second thoughts and decided I wasn’t right for him. Who’s at fault there? Probably no-one. That was a product of his circumstances and my insecurities.

Phase 2 was in the new year. We got back together – he came back to me and said he’d made a huge mistake, his drinking was under control and he wanted a future with me. Now, to be fair, aside from a few evenings where he went on a huge binge, he was a different man. He stopped drinking in the week, he was affectionate, told me he loved me, was consistent in calling, didn’t disappear on me, and put in a lot of effort. I, on the other hand, was terrified of being dumped again, jealous, insecure and afraid that he was going to change his mind at the drop of a hat. Because he had been inconsistent when we first started dating, and he had ended it, I needed endless reassurance.

I pressured him more and more for commitment and eventually we had a big row and he said he was sorry, but he couldn’t see past today. I ended it.

Phase 3 was a month later. We talked, we’d both missed each other loads, and he told me he loved me forever. We got back together. But I was worse than before. I started picking him up on every occasion he didn’t call when he said he would, and I started to feel jealous of his ex-wife. In the end we had a row about the fact that he wouldn’t sit down and talk to me about us maybe moving in together at some point in the future (I didn’t want a date, I wanted a conversation about it).

That was the beginning of the end. He told me he needed space. He ended it after two weeks of thinking about it, got straight back online, met up with someone else a couple of times. Blocked me. Wanted me totally out of his life.

I mean. When I look at it objectively, I can see how crazy I’ve been. How demanding I am of his attention.

He is not innocent. His alcoholism in the beginning meant that we started off on really bad ground. My belief in him was destroyed before it even got started. After that, I could never really relax, even though he was so much more committed and was drinking far less. It was like every day I wanted to find the evidence that he was that arsehole I thought he was. And he is a master at emotional manipulation – as soon as he detects anything other than happiness, he’s trying to manipulate me.

So here we are. Phase 4. He wanted me back. I wanted him back. What does that mean for us? He seems sure. He’s told his landlady we’re giving it another go. He’s told his mum we’re giving it another go. I haven’t told anyone.

And I am already sitting here trying to control jealous thoughts of what he is going to be doing on the weekends that I have the children.

My past relationships have tended to be stable because I have tended to date very quiet, stable men. They have deferred to my need for control and reassurance. The only time that didn’t happen it was a disaster. A terrible relationship that ended with him beating me. Getting out of that was so hard and left me scarred for a long time.

Shit. I don’t know what to think.

There are clearly things that I need to fix. But there are things he needs to fix too.

I have ended it because he wouldn’t commit, whereas he has ended it because he didn’t want to be with me any more.

We are both similar in that we don’t have close friends, we are emotionally needy, we are driven by sex, and we both want to change things about ourselves (self-improvement is a common theme in our day-to-day talks). That’s what draws us together.

The question is, do we actually have a future, or not?

Neither of us are really any good at being supportive. Neither of us can understand someone else’s pain, we both feel our own pain as bigger and more important. Neither of us can take criticism. We both struggle with feelings of not being good enough.

When we first met, I said to my friend that we would either be really good for each other, or really bad.

And I think that is still the case. There is something there. Something powerful and raw and even special. We connect in a way I don’t connect with others. I haven’t connected with a man in the same way, probably since my first proper boyfriend, who was also just like me.

But… can two broken people really make a relationship work? I think perhaps it tends to work better when one of you is less broken than the other.

My main concern is his tendency to turn-on-a-die change in what he wants. He can wake up one morning and just decide that he no longer wants me at all. That is frightening. And leaves me in a position where I am always looking for signs that it’s about to happen.

We’ve got ourselves back into this stupid relationship again, just as I was really reaching the point where I knew it was definitely over. And a part of me still feels like this is basically stalling for time.

Conclusion

Not being with him was fucking awful. But being with him is basically me waiting for him to decide it’s over again.

I don’t feel the same as I did. I do still love him, but I don’t like him. He’s not a nice, caring person. I get nervous when he’s texting me because his texts have been so awful for the last two months.

I can’t deal with anymore pain. At all. So for now I am just going to go with it. And work on growing this seedling of not really caring what he does as long as he isn’t being horrible to me.

We are both waiting for the next hurdle. The next time I have some insecure freak-out, or the next time he cancels on me because he’s hungover or wants a drink. And I am planning on just walking alongside it. No confrontation. No explanation. No questions (from me).

I have no faith in him as a person any more, and I no longer really care if he genuinely wants to be with me or not. but my terrible loneliness means I am happy that he’s in my life.

Maybe he feels the same.

Day 48: Sugar And Gluten Fail

I messed up today. I tried to fit too much into the day and ended up eating out at lunch unprepared. I had a toasted sandwich and a hot chocolate.

Then, later in the afternoon because I’d been running so many errands, and I’d done a run in the morning, my energy tanked, I was over-hungry and I ate a whole pack of jelly snakes on the go.

I felt sick afterwards and I’m disappointed in a major fail. The lesson from this is that I really have to know what I’m doing for meals each day. Planning, as always, is key.

Back on the wagon tomorrow.

Today’s run has taken it out of me. I am so tired now (bedtime). Wanted to sleep so much in the day today, but no time to do so.

Hopefully I will sleep tonight. Still restless. Still drinking tonic water every evening though. Will stop that when I finish what’s left in the house.

My food and general diet really is key to my energy and wellbeing, so I have to prioritise that part of my life. More than I ever have. It will be good for my children too.

I am a little bit afraid that this slip is going to mean the slow unraveling of all the good I’ve done. I don’t ever want to go backwards, ever. Cannot go back there.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will get up and do the best I can.

Day 47: I Am A Bigger Mess Than I Let On

So much can happen in a day.

Where to start. Coffee with CC man was good for both of us. We talked until the coffee shop closed and then we sat in his car and talked a bit more until we both had to go.

He was genuinely distressed about everything that has happened. I have never really seen him look so guilt-stricken and apologetic. He said he has a history of sabotaging relationships and his decision-making was just shocking and that he semi-seriously thinks he might be bipolar (I don’t think he is, but then I am not a doctor).

I did grill him over this woman he saw. And I said that he couldn’t deny he wouldn’t be talking to me if she had wanted to see him again. It was just two meetups, he said again, and nothing ever happened before she texted him and said their circumstances were not well-matched.

He said maybe we wouldn’t be sat here today but how long would it have lasted with her anyway, he doesn’t think it would have been long.

Maybe, maybe not.

So, we said goodbye, agreeing to meet up as friends going forward. See where that took us. He held my hand briefly in the coffee shop. He said a couple of times that I looked really well. He was as hot as ever – I find him SO attractive.

Anyway, I had to go because I was seeing Andre The Giant. I wanted to end this weird meet for sex thing we have going on last time I saw him, but didn’t. I wanted to this time but didn’t. I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting his feelings 😕 (why I think he even has any I don’t know). We spent the evening together. It was okay. I spent the whole time thinking about the meetup I’d had with CC man.

Andre is a long drive away and CC man was messaging me all the way home, saying could I collect him from the pub. Could he see me tonight. He still loved me. He wanted me so much today when he saw me.

I said I could collect him, but no sex and he had to go before my kids were back the next day. He said ok. So at 11pm I ended up driving onto the pub he was at.

I drove us back to mine and he was full of drunken words. He’ll never let me go again. He loves me. He’s sorry.

We got to the house and once the door was closed he kissed me. Proper romantic kissing. Then he picked me up like we were just married and carried me over to the dining table.

Well, I tried to resist him. 😕

For some reason the sex between us has been consistently incredible for the entire year we’ve known each other. What is it about him? After all, sex is really just friction, right?

Or maybe there are chemicals involved that vary between partners. He touches me and I just melt. The way he looks at me, the way his body feels, the way his hands feel, and especially the way he talks through the whole thing. He’ll be looking into my eyes talking to me while we’re having sex, whispering filthy stuff. It’s hands down the best sex I have ever had with anyone in my whole life.

We started downstairs and continued upstairs, he was like an animal all over me – I think he would actually have eaten me completely if he could have. He buried his head in every part of my body, touched me everywhere, fucked me for about an hour in various ways.

He held me all night, I slept in his arms. His hands roaming over me, him making little moans of pleasure over me just being there next to him. And we woke this morning and it started all over again.

And then we talked again. And he said how happy he is when he’s with me and that our respective divorces have been hard to deal with, that my tendency to over-analyse just did his head in by the end.

And this is where I do have to take some responsibility. I grilled him a lot in the weeks before we broke up. I wanted answers on why he hadn’t called me on certain occasions, we had a stupid row about the wedding song from his marriage (of all things), I was pressuring him to talk about our future – ie whether we might live together.

I was being a bit much to be honest. The thing is, when I fall in love I tend to fall very, very hard.

Anyway, the upshot of it all was I dropped him home this morning before I collected the kids and we have agreed to take it one day at a time. No pressure, no overthinking, no arguing about stupid stuff.

After I dropped him off he sent me a message saying he had missed our connection and conversations sooo much, and that he loved me.

What can I make of all this?

1. I can’t deny there is something very strong between us. He has said the same to me several times over the last couple of days.

2. For my personal wellbeing I need to learn to relax in a relationship and not obsess over the person I am with and where they are and what they are doing.

3. There is zero to be gained from trying to work out what he thinks and feels (which I obsess over). I am not going to speculate or ruminate or overthink over everything he does or says anymore. Practice makes perfect.

4. Taking it a day at a time is actually good for me. Stop obsessing about him, focus on my own life, and we are conceptually together so I can stop walking around with a miserable broken heart.

We’ve both been batshit crazy during this breakup. He knows I was spending time with another man and I have said I won’t be seeing that man any more. I have yet to deal with Andre The Giant. I’ll do that when he next gets in touch.

I’m absolutely exhausted today and feel almost hungover from lack of sleep. I have eaten crap all day but stayed off the sugar and alcohol.

So, I don’t know what the future holds, but at least you won’t have to listen to me moaning about my broken heart any more (at least for a while). Do I think this is a good idea? I think if I can’t get my shit together I will get hurt. And I think that his heavy drinking may mean I get hurt anyway. It’s probably not a sensible life decision, but for today it has made both of us feel a lot better than we have for a long time.

Day 46: Why Can’t I Sleep?

My sleep is still so restless and broken. It’s an actual physical restlessness. I can’t get comfortable, I have to keep moving.

I am wondering if there is something in tonic water that affects sleep because I drink two glasses of it every night (it has totally replaced my wine habit).

My mental restlessness doesn’t help. CC man is pushing hard for us to get back together. I find this simply astonishing given everything that has happened. It’s like he has lost his fucking mind and forgotten how much of a cunt he has actually been to me.

He pulled out the big guns yesterday and told me he still loved me. Then he said he had taken down his dating profile (there is so much wrong with this it beggars belief – how can he not see how much of a cunt he is?)

He called again yesterday afternoon and we talked another long while. The “lady” he was seeing (his word at the time, she has since been demoted to “woman“ – I notice these things), was apparently a drink one evening and a dinner the following weekend. They both drove there and themselves home. He says there was no physical interaction (I sense he is lying about this, but I’m actually grateful to be spared the details). After that she said she didn’t want to see him again.

He says he was confused. That he didn’t know what he wanted. And that because he was at the last stage of coming off antidepressants – something I helped him do and supported him through – his head was fucked.

The thing is, the more he tries to explain, the more hatred I feel. I am walking around as a big fireball of hate right now. I want to let fucking loose and scream at him for how much he hurt me, to cry and shout and tell him he did the most horrendous damage, that he went from everything-is-awesome to dumping me, blocking me, deleting me from his life and finding another “lady” over nothing.

It’s not even 7am and I’m awake full of boiling rage. I’ve had to stop myself texting him this morning and telling him what a cunt he is. Meditation has never had so much commitment from me because it is the only way I can calm my anger and tears.

We have arranged to meet for a coffee today at 3:30pm.

Why? I don’t know. His motive is clear. He wants us to get back together. My motive… I think I need to see him, look him in the eye and know in myself that my feelings for him are dying in the most agonisingly cruel, slithering way. And part of me wants to see him fucking beg. I know that’s not healthy.

Sigh. So here I am, Saturday morning. Trying to calm myself down enough to focus on my own life. I’m going over to see Andre The Giant tonight. He asked to see me last weekend and I said no (it was too short notice, I might be a booty call but have some respect for my schedule).

I think I am going to tentatively say we might need to stop seeing each other. The sex is empty. I enjoy it during, but I don’t anticipate it in the way I do when I love someone. It’s not really adding anything to my life to be honest. It’s a distraction that I don’t need quite as much these days. My head is in a better place.

I am, actually, a different person to the one I was 46 days ago. Dealing with my worst and most destructive habits has not only made me feel physically and mentally better, but it has also raised my self-esteem off the floor. I might not be standing tall yet, but I am no longer lying where everyone else can walk all over me.

Day 44: A Month Of No Shouting

I haven’t raised my voice at the kids for 30 days. I have been close. And there have been a couple of occasions when I have hissed at my eldest for misbehaving. But I have not yelled. Or screamed.

Today is also 2 weeks of no sugar and gluten (as well as over 6 weeks alcohol free). I feel like I have made it past the hardest part of this whole journey. All the really big things that were bringing me down, making me feel bad about myself, and reducing my already low self-esteem, have been sorted.

I just didn’t think I could do this. I still can’t quite believe where I am. I have moments now of pure joy. Usually when I’m listening to music. I just feel so good. I have felt so bad for so long that it’s a wonderful thing to experience.

I had some great financial news today (got a big refund I’d been arguing for – not the flight money that I advanced to CC man to get him out of my life, still waiting on that).

I saw some friends for a cup of tea and had an eye test (no change to my tiny prescription for reading glasses from two years ago, so I’m pleased about that too).

I’ve also noticed that my arthritis has noticeably improved. The pain in my right foot/big toe was the worst and that has subsided significantly over the last week.

Dinner is done. I’ve ironed (!) and laid out all the uniform for tomorrow. School bags are ready. Dishwasher on.

Days like today are good. I’m still tired a lot of the time – my sleep is still broken and restless, just less severe than it was when I was drinking. I get mentally and physically worn out, and I do notice when I’m reaching my limit. I have good energy but it depletes fast. And then I know I need to retreat and rest. Not drink or eat away the tiredness. I used to be permanently exhausted, so this is an improvement too.

I’ve heard nothing from CC man today. I am discovering pockets of the day where I do not think about him. I did some meditation last night and this morning to calm my thoughts during the times he used to regularly call/text.

In fact, I turned my phone off during his evening commute because he used to call me from the car every day and I do not want to go back to that. He will disappear the minute he starts chatting to yet another woman on the dating site he is on, so the last thing I want is regular contact which he can then break off.

Thing is, I can’t tell him not to call me because he’ll take offence and then he will retaliate with some form of emotional manipulation or torture. Basically I’m in a position now where I’m aiming to keep him on an even keel and not anger him, stress him out or reject him. Any of those will result in aggression, drunken calls and stress for me.

Over time our contact should fade out (or he’ll meet someone and fuck off again). That’s the plan, at least.

And today, for the first time, I know that my love (obsession?) for him is truly coming to an end. I feel relief and peace. Because when the caring stops (and that process has started), then nothing he does will ever matter again.

Day 43: Seething Anger

My children have all started back at school. I don’t know how long this will last given current world conditions, but it’s a milestone day for me as my youngest started school today and it’s the end of a long era of having a baby, or a toddler, or both, at home.

I cried on the way back from drop off. I think it was partly emotion at them growing up, and maybe more relief that finally I have school to rely on to help me look after them. Not having any grandparents or other family on hand to help me with the kids has been difficult. Will continue to be, I guess. But school gives us all a lot more structure and balance in terms of the burden not being on me all of the time.

CC man is blowing up my phone. He’s unblocked me on whatsapp.

He was honest enough, at least, to ask me if I wanted to have no strings attached sex.

I did think about that carefully. The sex IS amazing. He wrote me some stuff… things that we had done… he knows exactly how to turn me on and we’re on the same wavelength in terms of what we like. We have had some incredible, insanely great sex in our time. I miss it like hell. But the problem is… guess who’s going to get hurt?

Exactly.

So I said no.

With Andre The Giant, I genuinely don’t care. He’s a nice man, he’s not interested in me, we both like sex, it works. With CC man… my heart is still bleeding from the way he ended it. From the fact he went out and found another woman as soon as he’d finished writing the fucking “it’s over” text, and from the fact he blocked me on every channel and basically tried to erase me from his life because he thought she was better than me after two fucking dates.

He confessed in a very small and sorry voice yesterday that he might have overstepped the mark with his landlady and not been 100% honest about our relationship and apparently I am no longer welcome there because she thinks I am “bad for him”.

I am bad for HIM?

Of course.

Because that is what abusive men do – they turn everyone against the woman.

I don’t give a fuck. And every single text he sends… each and every:

I’ve missed you

every:

We might get back together someday

every:

You turn me on so much

Fills me with a seething, white hot anger, that I swallow back down inside and reply…

You too.

I don’t know now.

Let’s not go there.

Because the fact is, he put another woman above me.

He blocked me, deleted my number and told me that contact between us was inappropriate because he had moved on, met someone else and he wanted to see her again. And not me.

And the only reason he’s back now, is because she decided after two dates to dump him.

When he texts me these sweet things, I feel like doing this:

But I retain my emotional control on a tight leash because that is who I am now. I quit drinking. I quit sugar. I workout at least 4x a week. I’m kind to my kids. My life is going somewhere good, I am better than that fucker, and NOBODY puts another woman in front of me and still gets the goods.

In Other News

Things are going well. Cravings for alcohol have pretty much stopped. I haven’t socialised much yet, so that’s a hurdle to overcome. But generally, I’m good. I’m off it and feel so much better for it.

Sugar cravings have lessened and my misery seems to have abated. I look really well in the mirror – my skin tone is more even, my eyes are brighter.

Workouts are still pretty low key, but regular. I have to move them to the mornings, but I’m struggling to get that implemented.

My sleep is generally okay. I still wake every night, but I’m reasonably well rested in the days.

My depression – I think I am doing good. CC man aside, I feel positive about things for the first time in a long time.

My plan is to see the rest of this month out – 60 days no drinking, 30 days no sugar or gluten, and then decide what else to focus on.

Day 42: I Am Still Here

Six weeks alcohol free, 12 days sugar free. This past weekend has been extremely difficult. I’ve been unable to write I’ve been so low and depressed. However, I have weathered the storm and I think I am now in a better place altogether. The future has shifted. What happened to cause all of this?

CC man came back. The man who has been messing with my mental wellbeing for exactly a year now. Firstly, he is a true narcissist, but most importantly, I have allowed myself to be drawn into it and that is partly because I am wounded and still healing.

On Friday evening he started texting me at about 9pm. I assumed he was drunk, and feared the worst. He was asking whether I was fucking someone else. He thought I’d cheated on him, had a man lined up while we were dating. I refused to be drawn into it and told him that wasn’t true and with all respect that he had ended our relationship and it wasn’t his place to ask about my current love life.

His messages remained coherent for the evening, so he wasn’t drinking (with hindsight I think he was looking after his children). We had an exchange of several messages over the course of a couple of hours and at the end he started to soften. His aggression calmed.

I feel asleep about midnight and then he was texting again at 5:55am. This time I turned it into a joke and he seemed to calm right down. He said friends was okay with him. I felt a certain degree of relief over this. We’re not going to be best buddies, but his anger was upsetting me so much.

Then Saturday night he called and I answered, but he was too drunk to realise I’d picked up. I hung up. He then started texting, asking me to come and pick him up from the pub. Saying he wanted a fuck, he knew I wanted the same.

Then he said:

I made a mistake. I still want you.

I told him to go home and get some rest. He texted until about midnight on and off, and I didn’t sleep until 1am as I was so worried he was going to get a taxi over to my house drunk.

Sunday he texted at 7am he was sorry. And again later that morning saying that he had no idea where his head was at sometimes.

I said, don’t worry, stop drinking.

But inside I was crushed. I knew it was the drunk him talking, saying he’d made a mistake. But for that evening I lay in bed thinking one thing: he still wants me. And after the extreme rejection I’ve been through it was like a balm over my bleeding heart. When he texted the next morning to say he was sorry, he didn’t know what he was doing, I started crying and I couldn’t stop.

I cried all day. And the fact I hadn’t slept properly on Friday or Saturday night because he’d been texting til midnight and started again in the morning meant I had no way of coping with it. I went to bed at 7pm with the kids and just wrote the day off as a disaster.

Enough

Yesterday, having slept, I woke up and knew that something had to change. I cannot live like this any more. CC man’s negative influence in my life had stolen my weekend’s sleep and made me cry so much. Plus it has been seven weeks since we split up and I am still pining after him so much. I know that if he is going to keep texting me drunk I’m never going to get over him.

I boiled it down to 2 choices. Firstly, block him on everything. I thought about this a lot because it seems like the right thing to do. But, there is a chance he will turn up on my doorstep drunk if he can’t get through to me anywhere else and I can’t live in fear of that every weekend.

Also, I know that in three or four weeks, when I’m feeling better, I’ll be wondering what he’s up to and feeling bad for blocking him when I know he has no real friends and is lonely and drinking, and I’ll unblock him and he’ll be angry with me and the whole cycle will start up again. I am absolutely shit at holding a grudge. I hate conflict and confrontation. Blocking, I know was not something I could uphold long term.

The only other option was to talk it out with him and try to reach some kind of closure for both of us. I asked him if we could talk. Face to face.

He called me and we ended up talking for an hour on the phone yesterday. He asked for clarity on whether I’d cheated and I explained there had never been anyone else while we were together. Then he said he’d handled everything terribly. We talked through it all. I asked him if I was just “she’ll do” all that time we were together and he said that definitely wasn’t the case. He said I over-analyse (I do) and that he felt he wanted out. But that he deeply regretted everything that he’d done.

So, we were both happy we’d talked, everything was good. And then he said:

Is the door still open?

For me and him.

I said it would be very difficult to rebuild anything given everything that had happened. He didn’t push it further than that.

I got off the phone and spent the next few hours with my head going round in circles. There is a huge amount of sexual chemistry between us and we can talk for hours. We’re very similar (I am aware I have plenty of my own narcissistic tendencies and I know I am not the easiest person to date).

Peace

By the end of the day, I reached a place of peace. The fact is, I know I could never be happy if we were together. Regardless of anything else that has happened, there was a time a few weeks back where he told me he was seeing someone else (it lasted a couple of dates but that’s irrelevant), and that he wanted to see her again, and not me. He blocked my number. Said contact between us was inappropriate.

He put another woman above me.

And I don’t think I can ever get past that. Ever.

Not to mention the obvious fact: if she had agreed to see him again he would be nowhere to be seen.

It’s a new kind of grief. Realising the relationship is over and that it’s not because he doesn’t want me, but because I know I don’t want him.

So, that’s where we are. It’s been a very tough couple of days. But I no longer feel the desperate crushing rejection. I just feel incredibly sad that he turned out to be the way he is. There is so much good about him. But too much bad.

Moving On

I know exactly what I have to do now. I have to learn to stop thinking about him. What’s happened has happened and I can’t undo it.

I am in the habit of thinking of him ALL DAY LONG. I have to break out of that. I quit alcohol, I quit sugar, I can quit thinking of a man I can’t love with all my heart.

I just have to work at it until he no longer consumes my every thought. Because that’s pretty much where we’ve been for the last year. I fell so, so hard for him. Very early on. We’ve had an intense, both-of-us-fell-of-a-cliff-edge-in-love, tumultuous and very sexual relationship for a year and it’s time to let it go.

Exactly what that will look like I don’t know. I’ll just have to learn as I go.

Day 38: Just Another Sad Day

I’ve felt so low today. So blue. I was the same last Friday. Friday nights were always the nights I spent with CC man and it hurts so much being without him. The thing is, the last few Friday’s he’s been out drinking by himself (else he wouldn’t have contacted me), and I know how lonely he is – I can’t understand why we couldn’t be there for each other.

I guess I am not what he wants. I really don’t want to even keep writing about him – it must be like reading the same thing over and over listening to me talk about him. I know I am bored with going over it a thousand times in my own head. I have to let it go, but I don’t know how to. I think because in all honesty the relationship was abusive I am struggling with it.

And I am so sad today.

I’m hoping that it’s partly the sugar withdrawal, partly the fact I didn’t sleep well last night. But I had a sleep in the day from 1pm-2pm and I don’t really feel much better.

I did the next C25K run this afternoon even though I didn’t want to. The whole way around I was just waiting for it to be over (although it was much easier than the last run I did, so my fitness is definitely improving).

Other things that are good: my arthritis is bothering me less. I can see when I look in the mirror that I look well. I look healthier. No one else has commented yet.

My head is very clear. I don’t feel fuzzy, or unfocused or slow. I have so much more patience and I do more around the house now than I used to (but I’m still a long way from homemaker of the year). I don’t often feel stressed and overwhelmed, which is nice (these were big problems before).

There are lots of good things that have come out of the last 38 days. But I am still having days where I just want to cry all day long. Once I get two weeks into being sugar free, I will be expecting this to stop. I am banking on it, actually, because aside from taking away the artificial stimulants, exercising and eating better, I am really not sure how else to promote happiness within.

The whole point of what I am doing is to ease my depression naturally. It’s taking SO FUCKING LONG. I know I am being impatient. My depression score reduced hugely over the first month, so I should be patient and see where I am after 2 months. Things might be very different by day 60.

I really hope so. I really, really want to feel happy inside.

Dealing with a break-up on top of fixing all your bad coping behaviours is not something I’d recommend.

I’ve got to get out of this black hole.

Day 38: Will I Ever Sleep Again?

Terrible insomnia last night. Kept dreaming and waking. Woke at 3am and it took me until 4:30am to get back to sleep.

I’m tired this morning.

My sleep has gotten worse each night since I stopped the sugar. I googled it in the end (at 4am), and it turns out that when you reduce carbs (ie go from living off chocolate to eating three decent meals a day), your brain temporarily produces less serotonin and is unable to make the right amount of melatonin to help you sleep.

Yet again my fucked neurotransmitters are torturing me. In time they will up-regulate and sleep will hopefully be better than ever.

In the meantime, I wait, and put up with short term pain for hopefully long term gain.

I felt really depressed in the night. All my neurotransmitters must have been at zero at 3am because I cried and cried over CC man. I don’t do that in the daytime anymore. Weird.

It’s Friday, the evening we always spent together. Last week he got hammered and emailed me calling me a whore. I think it’s getting to long enough now that I won’t be on his mind anymore though. Sigh.

In other news I’m thinking of starting a youtube channel. I’m self-employed and have done a variety of stuff. I’ve tried to break into the online space with some success with various businesses, blogs and courses over the years, but not enough to make a living from.

I don’t know. I’m super-sensitive to criticism.

We’ll see. The kids are at their dads tonight so I have a bit of thinking space.

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