I was half-awake with anxiety last night. But I was so tired from the day that it was in a semi-conscious state. I wanted to wake up and journal my thoughts, but I just lay there fretting and eventually fell back to sleep.
I was laying bed thinking: this man is going to be the death of me if I stay with him.
But not so much because of just him, but because of me as well. I was fretting last night that I have been as much of a problem in this relationship as he has.
I couldn’t get it out of my head this morning. My obsessing, my demanding, the emotional games I play, the manipulative texts I send. I am not a healthy person in relationships. I demand absolute commitment and will act in any way that I think will get that.
So, I’ve dropped the kids to school and I’ve read over my whole journal. A whole year since CC man came into my life. To try and work out what the fuck is wrong between us that we are literally on/off again and our emotions run so high and the feelings are always so fucking uncontrollable.
So here’s a summary. Phase 1 of our relationship was when we first started dating. What I didn’t know what that CC man was drinking almost every day. He was missing work, cancelling on his daughters and on me. He was barely holding it together. But – we had just met and he put on his best game face to me. Because obviously he didn’t want me to run a mile from a crazy alcoholic.
So the first part of the relationship he just freaked me out with his inconsistencies in messaging. He was all over me every day, and then nowhere to be seen for 24 hours. After about 6 weeks of that, I ended it by text and blocked him. The next day I massively regretted it (he’d asked me to be his girlfriend, I’d said yes, then he’d gone silent for 24 hours again and I’d just had enough). I went over and we made up, I apologised loads. But he changed after that. He was distant, less affectionate on text. Four weeks later he said he wanted to go in a different direction with his life and he ended it.
So… that was his alcoholism driving my insecurity. I ended it and hurt him and he then had second thoughts and decided I wasn’t right for him. Who’s at fault there? Probably no-one. That was a product of his circumstances and my insecurities.
Phase 2 was in the new year. We got back together – he came back to me and said he’d made a huge mistake, his drinking was under control and he wanted a future with me. Now, to be fair, aside from a few evenings where he went on a huge binge, he was a different man. He stopped drinking in the week, he was affectionate, told me he loved me, was consistent in calling, didn’t disappear on me, and put in a lot of effort. I, on the other hand, was terrified of being dumped again, jealous, insecure and afraid that he was going to change his mind at the drop of a hat. Because he had been inconsistent when we first started dating, and he had ended it, I needed endless reassurance.
I pressured him more and more for commitment and eventually we had a big row and he said he was sorry, but he couldn’t see past today. I ended it.
Phase 3 was a month later. We talked, we’d both missed each other loads, and he told me he loved me forever. We got back together. But I was worse than before. I started picking him up on every occasion he didn’t call when he said he would, and I started to feel jealous of his ex-wife. In the end we had a row about the fact that he wouldn’t sit down and talk to me about us maybe moving in together at some point in the future (I didn’t want a date, I wanted a conversation about it).
That was the beginning of the end. He told me he needed space. He ended it after two weeks of thinking about it, got straight back online, met up with someone else a couple of times. Blocked me. Wanted me totally out of his life.
I mean. When I look at it objectively, I can see how crazy I’ve been. How demanding I am of his attention.
He is not innocent. His alcoholism in the beginning meant that we started off on really bad ground. My belief in him was destroyed before it even got started. After that, I could never really relax, even though he was so much more committed and was drinking far less. It was like every day I wanted to find the evidence that he was that arsehole I thought he was. And he is a master at emotional manipulation – as soon as he detects anything other than happiness, he’s trying to manipulate me.
So here we are. Phase 4. He wanted me back. I wanted him back. What does that mean for us? He seems sure. He’s told his landlady we’re giving it another go. He’s told his mum we’re giving it another go. I haven’t told anyone.
And I am already sitting here trying to control jealous thoughts of what he is going to be doing on the weekends that I have the children.
My past relationships have tended to be stable because I have tended to date very quiet, stable men. They have deferred to my need for control and reassurance. The only time that didn’t happen it was a disaster. A terrible relationship that ended with him beating me. Getting out of that was so hard and left me scarred for a long time.
Shit. I don’t know what to think.
There are clearly things that I need to fix. But there are things he needs to fix too.
I have ended it because he wouldn’t commit, whereas he has ended it because he didn’t want to be with me any more.
We are both similar in that we don’t have close friends, we are emotionally needy, we are driven by sex, and we both want to change things about ourselves (self-improvement is a common theme in our day-to-day talks). That’s what draws us together.
The question is, do we actually have a future, or not?
Neither of us are really any good at being supportive. Neither of us can understand someone else’s pain, we both feel our own pain as bigger and more important. Neither of us can take criticism. We both struggle with feelings of not being good enough.
When we first met, I said to my friend that we would either be really good for each other, or really bad.
And I think that is still the case. There is something there. Something powerful and raw and even special. We connect in a way I don’t connect with others. I haven’t connected with a man in the same way, probably since my first proper boyfriend, who was also just like me.
But… can two broken people really make a relationship work? I think perhaps it tends to work better when one of you is less broken than the other.
My main concern is his tendency to turn-on-a-die change in what he wants. He can wake up one morning and just decide that he no longer wants me at all. That is frightening. And leaves me in a position where I am always looking for signs that it’s about to happen.
We’ve got ourselves back into this stupid relationship again, just as I was really reaching the point where I knew it was definitely over. And a part of me still feels like this is basically stalling for time.
Not being with him was fucking awful. But being with him is basically me waiting for him to decide it’s over again.
I don’t feel the same as I did. I do still love him, but I don’t like him. He’s not a nice, caring person. I get nervous when he’s texting me because his texts have been so awful for the last two months.
I can’t deal with anymore pain. At all. So for now I am just going to go with it. And work on growing this seedling of not really caring what he does as long as he isn’t being horrible to me.
We are both waiting for the next hurdle. The next time I have some insecure freak-out, or the next time he cancels on me because he’s hungover or wants a drink. And I am planning on just walking alongside it. No confrontation. No explanation. No questions (from me).
I have no faith in him as a person any more, and I no longer really care if he genuinely wants to be with me or not. but my terrible loneliness means I am happy that he’s in my life.
Maybe he feels the same.